happy things.
do not step out
24/Feb/2008 | 16:59

I present to you the Kubler-Ross-Watson stages of programming in a new API, paradigm, or language:

1. Denial. "I don't really need to do it this way."

2. Anger. "Goddammit, why doesn't it work?"

3. Bargaining. "How about if I do it your way a little, and keep these elements and patterns I'm used to and using already?"

4. Depression. "Oh my God. I'm going to have to redesign this. No no no nooooo."

5. Acceptance. "Okay, I'm gonna do it this way."

link to: stages

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tweet tweet
27/Jan/2008 | 08:53

Experiment time.

I've been using Twitter for a while, but preferred to keep my feed private. PEOPLE MAKE ME NERVOUS OKAY.

I'm going to leave it public for a little while and see if viewers snowball without putting effort into it. So far, it's just been people I actually know.


Pass it around. I update a lot. GO NUTS.

link to: tweet tweet

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17/Jan/2008 | 16:01

I'm a sailor-mouthed guy. My favourite word in the entire world is "motherfucker", and I don't hesitate to use that word like a motherfucker whenever possible. Motherfucker. That felt good.

I decided to act like a 7-year-old and feed my favourite curse words to Google Code to see what might be found. I thought some might enjoy the most entertaining results of my search, which involved a great deal of skipping past profanity filter arrays, goofy text translators, game dialogue, and fortune.

In the event you didn't catch that, this entire post is NSFW.

Best Source File Name


Best Outlook on the User

# fuck the users, fuck them up their stupid asses

Best Use of the Obvious Stick

  * Returns a set of all keywords found in the input file
  * @return The set, motherfucker!

Best Use of Superfly T.N.T.

function SpecialVersion() {
   // English motherfucker, do you speak it?
      $this->langObj = setupLangObj( 'LanguageEn' );

Best Developer Breakdown

static void fuck (pair J) FASTCALL;

static FDCBFnPtr FnsFDCB[]=

Best Console Insult

die("Read the fucking manual you shitwit and at least use the constructor right!")

Most Dynamic Duo

/** Bullshit function. */
virtual float userToMarginY ( double x ) const;

/** As the person before me so eloquently put it... bullshit function. */
virtual float userToInvertedMarginY ( double y ) const;

Sexiest Comment

(?\C-m . te-beginning-of-line) ;fuck me harder
(?\C-g . te-beep) ;again and again!

if (fourthWall != NULL) { break; }

$swapped[$i] = $tmp; /* 'fuck' is written here so you can grep for it */

Most Fed Up Junior Engineer

if (vm_region
   (task_self(), &addr, &size, &bullshit, &bullshit, &bullshit, &bullshit, &bullshit, &bullshit) != KERN_SUCCESS)

Honorable Mention: Cursing in Commercial Product

if (status < 0) {
   /* James M doesn't say fuck enough. */

Best Frogblasting

Monday, July 10, 1995 11:49:06 AM (Jason)
rewrite for marathon2 done. my bobs won't listen to your fucking whining.

link to: profane.c

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10/Nov/2007 | 02:00

<rands> wtfpwnage
<mikey-san> ?
<rands> Just saw that for the first time
<rands> Laughing
<rands> I'M OLD
<mikey-san> have you heard about that youtube thing
<rands> ?
<mikey-san> it's a place you can upload videos
<mikey-san> youtube.com
<rands> Fancy.
<rands> Like Ascii Art?
<mikey-san> yeah i think so
<rands> Bitching
<rands> I can spin a cursor you know.
<rands> -/-\*/
<rands> Or something
<mikey-san> Getting older . . .
<mikey-san> [===------]
<mikey-san> Determining what's new . . .
<mikey-san> [=====---]
<mikey-san> Optimizing aching joint performance . . .
<mikey-san> [=======]
<mikey-san> You have successfully aged.
<mikey-san> ( Quit )
<rands> I keep clicking Quit, but nothing is happening
<mikey-san> dup of rdar://16578156

link to: senescence

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header of state
26/Apr/2007 | 16:26

Being a developer can get boring. It's true, writing code isn't always fighting ninjas and blowing up helicopters. As your mind begins to wander, you find little ways to keep the day interesting, usually by adding things to the source that normally wouldn't be there. Funny or profane comments, ASCII art, whatever. Benign stuff that doesn't interfere with the code itself but keeps the developer(s) entertained.

Sometimes, though, there's true genius to be found. Case in point, an Apple header file I found today while searching the Apple Developer Connection site for some example code. Take a gander:

extern int MoreSecDestroyInheritedEnvironment(int whatToDubya, const char **argv);
// This function eliminates most of the environmental
// factors that you have inherited from your parent
// process.


You can see it for yourself here:


link to: header of state

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low fidelity
01/Jul/2006 | 07:38

The Idea

If you destroy audio with low-bitrate encoding, how far do you have to go before it no longer sounds like a badly encoded song, but something intriguing again?

The Method

1. Take Aphex Twin's "4", as performed by the symphony orchestra Alarm Will Sound.

2. Re-encode the song as a 16-Kbps AAC file.

3. Repeat step #2 thirty-five times.

4. Reverse right channel and shift channel timeline in sequencer.

5. Add finishing EQing, envelope filtering, and mastering in Reason.

The Result


The treatment isn't going to become the latest craze in music—and in reality, may not be intriguing at all to anyone—but I found the experiment to be interesting enough to post it here. Throwing out huge amounts of audio never felt so constructive.

link to: low fidelity

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enchant office
14/May/2006 | 20:37

The theme for this Something Awful thread is office-themed Magic: The Gathering cards.

I made some. Enjoy.

Power Nap


Grueling Interview Process

Legal Team

Interdepartmental Memo

Career Suicide

Microsoft Office

link to: enchant office

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working title
10/May/2006 | 02:40


24 Jack Bauer Will Fuck You Up

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Detective Stabler Beats Up Rapists

MacGyver Prime Time Improvised Terrorist Cookbook Hour

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Forensic Team Conducts Interviews and Makes Arrests

Voltron Good Luck Finding the Black One, Kids

Drawn Together Superman Is a Douchebag

Stargate: SG-1 MacGyver Doesn't Use Guns What the Fuck

12oz Mouse Stoners Will Watch Anything

The Shield The Commish Gets Real Angry

Smallville Dawson's Creek

link to: working title

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insanely great
01/Feb/2006 | 05:14

TANGENT: Can you imagine if Steve Jobs had to give a State of the Union speech? That would kick so much ass!

posted by bugmuncher at 2:22 AM EST on February 1

Okay, I like that idea. Let's run with it.

I now give you an excerpt from Steve Jobs's State of the Union address.

"Now, we've been doing some amazing, amazing things with the budget, some really great things, and today we're going to add something new to our long-term fiscal planning strategy family. And to introduce it, I'd like to show you a commercial we've been working on. I really love it, and I think you will, too."

A slick commercial plays on the projection screen. The audience eats it up like candy.

"In fact, I think that spot's so good, let's watch it again."

The commercial runs again. Less enthusiasm this time.

"And the best part is that these tax breaks will be available today."

The audience cheers as though they're actually surprised.

"So that's what's new in the State of the Union today. I'd like to thank Phil Schiller from Apple, Dennis Hastert of the House, and Theodore Gray of Wolfram Research for helping us show you guys all the great budget plans and energy initiatives today. This is going to be an insanely great year for America, and we can't wait to show you what else we've got in store.

"Oh, and one more thing . . ."

A map of the Middle East appears on the projection screen. The audience cheers again.

No word on whether or not the next versions of iTunes and the iTunes Music Store will wiretap you.

link to: insanely great

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06/Dec/2005 | 22:55

What to say about droll, absurdly comprehensive warranties?

I wonder if the carriers know something about our own government and its future plans that we civilians don't. The shadow groups who occupy unmarked buildings in northern Virginia surely don't use cell phones, opting for secured land lines on private networks, so perhaps the following clause in T-Mobile's warranty coverage packet makes chilling sense here:

1. This insurance does not apply to loss or damage caused directly or indirectly by any of the following:

Time to find a good picture of Che Guevara to put on my phone.

link to: 976-COUP

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diet bits
04/Oct/2005 | 08:54

I'm starting a new experiment today. I call it Diet Bits.

What is Diet Bits? It's a minimalist RSS feed that contains random picture links, usually of some humourous or unique value. Descriptions are short and slightly abstract, bordering on witty. Imagine Fark or MetaFilter, but without the articles or verbosity.

I might occasionally post non-image items, but those will be marked. Additionally, all not-safe-for-work (NSFW) content will be marked as such. Each item posted has a category attached to it, for those of you who use news readers that show that information.

Subscribe at http://www.mikey-san.net/db.xml, and feel free to send me anything that might be remotely worthwhile to post to the feed.

org dot bungie at mikey-san

link to: diet bits

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roll for hax
20/Sep/2005 | 03:44

On the Possibility of Being Bigger Nerds

BadK and I think it's time to bring Dungeons & Dragons into the Information Age:

<gm> you enter a room
<player> um "ls"
<gm> ls: permission denied
<player> sudo ls
<gm> do you have the password?
<player> no, i'd like to use a dictionary attack
<gm> roll 1024d10
<player> oh shit

Me? I've got immunity to ActiveX attacks and +10 to chowning your base.

link to: roll for hax

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you belong
15/Sep/2005 | 16:50

For the first time, anyone who wants a copy of my first book, Lobster Clouds and Pieces of People, can acquire one from my friends at So New Media.

As Terry said, "It took you long enough."

Anybody who buys a copy can send it to me and I'll write whatever he or she wants in it. Send me an e-mail and I'll give you details.

link to: you belong

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radar waves
30/Aug/2005 | 14:14


This exchange had me in stitches so much that I had to share it with everyone:

radar joke

I'm probably also going to Hell for this image.

link to: radar waves

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25/Aug/2005 | 08:25

We've been quiet lately, but that's because of a couple of Big Things™ coming down the pipe. Stay tuned for that.


Please partake in the following morning randomness:


<p class="sosumi">Copyright &copy; 2005 Apple Computer, Inc. All rights reserved.<br>Mighty Mouse &copy; Viacom International Inc. All rights reserved.</p>

Sosumi. Legal text. LOLLERCOASTER. :D

Wikipedia's Sosumi article, if you're wondering what's so funny.

link to: sosumi

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david & maura
23/Jun/2005 | 01:16

Look at that. The lovebirds have a nest again.


I wonder what else is coming, now that there's a new space for such diversions.

Keep watching.

link to: david & maura

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picture pages
23/May/2005 | 10:32

I just made this. Please enjoy it.

that's a lot of internet!

link to: picture pages

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20/May/2005 | 11:41

Book idea:

Bitches Ain't Shit
A Guide to Being an Effective Manager in Today's Urban Workplace

by Dr Dre, Ph.D
Foreward by Paul Allen

Leave your own fly book ideas in the comments.

link to: R.I.F.

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18/May/2005 | 09:33

This is a diversionary post, pulled largely from a conversation with Profanity. Apologies to anyone who was looking for real news or opinion.

It would be hysterical if someone made a bong out of an iPod. Imagine the instruction manual:

1. Open iPod.

2. Gut completely.

3. Insert weed.

4. Get completely baked.

5. Get mugged for your iPod bong.

6. Realize you don't give a shit because you're HIIIIIIIGH.

All you need now is an iApp to manage your stash for you.

link to: freebase?

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tigon? liger?
02/May/2005 | 10:56

Last week, Mac OS X 10.4 was released, and that means there are lots of reviews out there to read. ARE YOU SHOCKED YET? I AM.

Now, this isn't a review. This is a highly disorganized series of screenshots of Nifty Things™ you might have missed while perusing other sites' reviews, or perhaps even using Tiger yourself. Or maybe not, and I'm wasting your time. Let's find out!

First off, I'd like to point out that the new default screenshot format is PNG. Despite what some will say, PDF was a good format to use, but it was a bit unwieldy at times, so while PDF wasn't bad, I'm not going to complain about the change to PNG.

You may also notice a few other things about that screenshot: "Spotlight Comments" as a field for tagging your files with some basic metadata; the "More Info" area for, well, more info on the selection; and the fact that—though you have no way to know it from a single screenshot—I selected two files in the Finder, hit command-i, and was given two separate info windows, in a throwback to the Mac OS 9 days. I'm ambivalent toward this last change. Command-option-i still works, so everyone should remain happy.

This is an amazingly well-designed authentication dialog. Very simple, uncluttered, and informative in the right place.

It looks like someone had the sense to make the Finder's sidebar right-clickable. I can't count how many times I tried to right-click on items in the sidebar, in Panther, only to be reminded that I'm a short bus kid by the computer.

Thank you, iChat team, for adding autoreply to your application. You're only behind everyone else by about a decade. Sincerely, Everyone.

In a move to appease the Slashdot crowd, someone at Apple decided to build in a dialog to change modifier keys around. Hotness? Definitely not a bad thing. Is anyone else smiling at the idea of a dialog to modify a modifier?


The biggest weakness in passwords is the user creating the password. Tiger includes a Password Assistant dialog panel, and it doesn't seem to be too bad. Nothing new, but certainly a welcome addition. (Some of you may remember this as being part of Panther's Keychain Access.)

That's one big-ass cursor.

Now this is pretty freakin' awesome: QuickTime Player now records both audio and video[2][2] If anyone wants to buy me a FireWire camera to test this, that would rock. Anyone? Bueller?.

The help system has been expanded to include AppleCare Knowledge Base articles in its search results. This should be helpful for just about any class of user. I definitely applaud the design decision that went into this one.

Finally, a couple more Spotlight notes. You can exclude disks and folders from being traversed during Spotlight searches by adding them in this preference pane tab. Very useful if you need to hide that girl-on-aardvark pr0n from your girlfriend while showing her how quickly you can find all of the pictures of her you've taken. And yes, Spotlight really is that awesome.

link to: tigon? liger?

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13/Apr/2005 | 08:56

Naming a product by committee is a dangerous thing. It tends to, but not always, lead to silly product names like "Entourage" and "Paint Shop Pro"[1][1] Paint Shop Pro comes out of this article as soon as my copy of Paint Shop Standard arrives.. I have the feeling GIMP was named on a mailing list.

Looks like Apple's getting into the boat by finalizing the new name for ZeroConf Rendezvous OpenTalk: Bonjour. No, seriously.

"Hey, Bob, welcome to the meeting. Just hook up your laptop and we'll be ready to go."

"Hey, Bill. Are we all on Bonjour here?"

"What? Bob, you're fired, you elitist prick."

So maybe that exchange won't happen, but the new name isn't destined to help eliminate the misconception that all Mac users are all pretentious aesthetics whores with silly computers.

With this HOT NEW NAME, I thought perhaps Apple would like some help dreaming up other new, chic product names for future versions of Bonjour:



That Easy Networking Stuff

Not Just iChat

Easily Overlooked Protocol


Fill Strangers' Drop Boxes with Porn™

Now if you'll excuse me, someone just messaged me via Rendezvous.

link to: prétentieux

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live and let die
28/Mar/2005 | 15:40

Sharkey just sent me what may be the creepiest thing I've heard in a very, very long time:

The musical side of Terri Schiavo, as sampled and orchestrated by the Something Awful forums.

Where's David Fincher? He'd be all over this.

link to: live and let die

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